can openers - helpful tool in the kitchen or sent from the devil to plague us?

I

hate

can openers.

Possibly even more than I hate the 'twittering budgie' or 'She Who Must Be In Everything' on tv.

Firstly I am left handed. Yeah pfft instant spassism with the cursed tool (herein referred to as CT).
Secondly they seem to manufacture the little knirled wheely thingo n the round bladey widgit out of metal even softer than a tin can. This is my main annoyance I suppose. Ive learnt to use CTs right handed over time.

It seems good to me that if one were to say one day 'darling I think I shall indeed proceed to my factory today for the purpose of constructing a 'can opening device of ease and utility' for the betterment of mankind!' then you would decide to DO IT PROPERLY.

PROPERLY:

Mongooses' Dictionary of Useful Terms defines 'properly' as: Opposite of crappily. Being able to fulfil purpose of intended function. 'right'. It is a rich tapestry.

So a CT should, one is entitled to think, OPEN CANS. Yes. Not too difficult that you might say.

So how come every single CT I have EVER owned goes tits up (for all practical purpose - you can soldier on with them fer months getting the shits daily) within 3-6 weeks?
You buy those oldy fashiony cheapo ones with cratacular silver frost paint n they last 3 days before the tine thing that does the cutting bends. You watch in rapt fascination as the bent tine thingy slowly, majestically straigtens out thus rendering the CT useless for anything other than throwing at those damned teenagers outside kicking up a racket. These I reserve for camping trips. They generally last 3-5 days tops so good enough for camping unless you get lost n spend a month wandering about saying 'hello trees hello flowers' n if you DO end up lost if you DONT have a SWiss Army Knife you deserve to be found bereft of life.
Then theres the multitutinous 'fancy' CTs. Bastards. At least the cheap ones don't jerk you off into thinking they are any good. These are the ones that wear the lil knirled wheely thingamajig. So you can't get the can to rotate hence creating a cutting action. Well
DERRRRRRRRRRRr
heres a tip morons
make the lil knirled wheely thing outa GOOD steel You know HIGH grade. Not the left over aluminium (I'll be cold n dead in my grave b4 you see me use that horrid americanism 'alooooominum' sounds like a bathroom product) you had when you stripped some WW2 aircraft. It shouldnt be a'bit' stronger than the damn can it should be like the difference between PeeWee Herman N Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ones piss weak n one could snap the other in twain without breaking a sweat. In this fashio CTs would last more than a month.

See

dickhead manufacturers/designers

It isnt the perty knobs n twirly ancilliary bits that make me wanna buy one its the DAMNABLE CUTTING ACTION. A pretty Edsel is STILL an Edsel guys. If It dont werk it aint worth a tissue at a snot party.

If the swiss army knife people made one I think Id buy that. Least Id knowit A works n B can call up rescue doggies n make me breakfast while I am lost.