Seems I have the verbal trots today.
Watched that mad bugger Dave Chappelle last night. Now my all time favourite joke/skit of his was the white power skit where he plays the blind black guy who was head of the white supremacist movement. Goddamn that was the funniest thing I think Ive ever seen on TV. Seems though that young Dave has been copping some shit about it in the US. (USA: place where no-one can take a damn joke about ANYTHING).
I mean to say it is hard to take red neck back woods morons seriously anyway so making jokes about them is just too easy. The last white supremecist I saw on TV had to take out an advert in the local paper 'wanted: brain cell to make up the pair'.
Come on guys give Dave Chappelle a break that was some funny shit.
Show seems to get shorter n shorter every week though.
I find it equally hard to take some born again types seriously too. You know the ones - only going cuz its 'trendy' n only attend the church that 'everyones talking about it -its THE place to worship'.
Now personally I think yer all daft. I see the same mass hysteria working in a church service as Hitler et al utilised at places like Nuremburg. N you can gat all huffy puffy if you want but you know tis true if you wanna be honest. Psychological manipulation. Pure n simple. Same shit happens at a rock concert. Its not god its YOUR BRAIN fucking with you. Endorphins are cool in moderation.
But hey... if it makes you feel good about yourself go for it. Doesnt mean you have to right to shove it down my throat though. As I said b4 I dislike the fake ones who just go cuz all their friends go n go to the trendy places.
As fer those weirdos how put down 'jedi' under religion at the last census. GET A LIFE. Its a movie. It isnt even a very GOOD movie. My GOD the first one was the best n IT was craptacular. I saw in Kmart yesterday some toy maker has hit on a gold mine. He as labeled a big battery powered kids motorcycle 'the darth vader cycle' , n stuck darth vader stickers all over it etc. Now this thing started life as a pretty cruddy plastic harley rip off for kiddies. I am thinking it didnt sell too well eh. Some sat down n said 'lets call it a darth vader bike' n bingo the nerds will love it. Talk about cynical. Talk about knowing your target market are predominantly sheep. bahhhhhhh. If you bought it you deserve it. Darth Vader on a harley pppfffftttt. Star Wars - George Lucas must piss himself to sleep every night on his bed of Ben Franklins.
You ever been asked 'if you could bring back one person from history who would it be?'
I'd bring back Ben Franklin. Dude has to be the single most interesting person ever.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
So theyre DEAD so who cares?
I see on MSN news that they reckon exPrincess Dianna n JFKjr had a fling.
I wanna know who cares.
She is dead
He is dead
Get over it.
Come to think (yeah I know... Itll never be deep) it is rather surprising that the PD/JFK link didnt pop up when HE did the John Denver impression while flying his aeroplane.
I mean
We know (well according to shitty womens mags the world over) SHE would do anything with trousers n a pulse. HE had trousers n a pulse so it stood to reason eh. She musta done him.
She never did me n *I* STILL have a pulse. MOst I can claim is pretending to be part of QE2s' security detail when she had her last 'I'm still the Head Of Guvmint' tour 1985 with Prince Phillip on bass.
Yep me n a guy who worked for me stood out the front of our place of business in black suits with lil fake earpieces in n spent ten industrious minutes telling people to stand back, then pausing with hand to earpiece as if listening to instructions, then yes she is due any minute n saying shit like 'position secure RDV in 5 and counting' shit like that, into our wrists ehehehehehehe.
Amazingly people would do as they were told even though they saw us EVERY day.
hah good jape that. AND lizzie waved to us.
I wanna know who cares.
She is dead
He is dead
Get over it.
Come to think (yeah I know... Itll never be deep) it is rather surprising that the PD/JFK link didnt pop up when HE did the John Denver impression while flying his aeroplane.
I mean
We know (well according to shitty womens mags the world over) SHE would do anything with trousers n a pulse. HE had trousers n a pulse so it stood to reason eh. She musta done him.
She never did me n *I* STILL have a pulse. MOst I can claim is pretending to be part of QE2s' security detail when she had her last 'I'm still the Head Of Guvmint' tour 1985 with Prince Phillip on bass.
Yep me n a guy who worked for me stood out the front of our place of business in black suits with lil fake earpieces in n spent ten industrious minutes telling people to stand back, then pausing with hand to earpiece as if listening to instructions, then yes she is due any minute n saying shit like 'position secure RDV in 5 and counting' shit like that, into our wrists ehehehehehehe.
Amazingly people would do as they were told even though they saw us EVERY day.
hah good jape that. AND lizzie waved to us.
Monday, June 27, 2005
guilty as charged yhonour
heh
admission time in the house of mongoose.
About hummmmm *counts on his fingers* damn... 15 years ago I was a student at a university in a country town in Australia... My closest known associate (KA) n I stayed in a residential college (for the North Americans thats like a frat house without the stupid bullshit - the uni is where you learn the college is where you stay, n they are generally open to both sexes).
THere was a blind guy staying down the hall from KA. Not only was he blind he was a generic arsehole with legs.
N we didnt really think he was blind ( i mean... shit in one eye sure it was glass fer godsake).
so KA devised a little experiment...
We opened the curtains in his room n turned on the lights while he was in the showers (group showers down the hall).
heh
heh
heh
then we retired to the laundry room opposite his room to wait.
First thing he did was turn off the light n then close the curtains.
Suspicious eh
Next day another kown associate (AKA) who being tasked with guiding said person to his lectures, tried walking him into a tree. One neat sidestep later...
We thought we had proof enough.
Damn uni was fun... buggered if i remember ANYTHING I was supposed to have learnt.
Hey KA I know yer gonna read this ...
What were we actually studying again? N why the hell was it so important that the Persians had no horses at Marathon? SHit thats right ancient history...
THATS what we were doing. Its all not coming back to me again.
Stupid uni
Met the exwife there too didnt I. Curses curses.
heh
Oh oh I remember what I learnt
You cant drink 3 bottles of an admittedly excellent red then expect to perform well on the cricket pitch with bat in hand the next morning. YOU also forget important shit like the ball protector (you DONT forget it twice though).
I learnt also that 13 blokes (first 11 n 2 reserves) can catch cricket balls like DEMONS anytime except when a young lass with big tits is wandering by. Then we look like the least coordinated idiots on the planet. Hard to watch the ball while watching the bouncing .... nm
I learnt that radio stations ARE a load of fun. I learnt exactly What a certain young lady ringing up to request 'The Combine Harvester Song' meant for her social life. Crucial crucial stuff.
Heh
Yeah
There ya go KA you know who you are
N Rocky?
mate...Youre STILL a very unattractive man.
admission time in the house of mongoose.
About hummmmm *counts on his fingers* damn... 15 years ago I was a student at a university in a country town in Australia... My closest known associate (KA) n I stayed in a residential college (for the North Americans thats like a frat house without the stupid bullshit - the uni is where you learn the college is where you stay, n they are generally open to both sexes).
THere was a blind guy staying down the hall from KA. Not only was he blind he was a generic arsehole with legs.
N we didnt really think he was blind ( i mean... shit in one eye sure it was glass fer godsake).
so KA devised a little experiment...
We opened the curtains in his room n turned on the lights while he was in the showers (group showers down the hall).
heh
heh
heh
then we retired to the laundry room opposite his room to wait.
First thing he did was turn off the light n then close the curtains.
Suspicious eh
Next day another kown associate (AKA) who being tasked with guiding said person to his lectures, tried walking him into a tree. One neat sidestep later...
We thought we had proof enough.
Damn uni was fun... buggered if i remember ANYTHING I was supposed to have learnt.
Hey KA I know yer gonna read this ...
What were we actually studying again? N why the hell was it so important that the Persians had no horses at Marathon? SHit thats right ancient history...
THATS what we were doing. Its all not coming back to me again.
Stupid uni
Met the exwife there too didnt I. Curses curses.
heh
Oh oh I remember what I learnt
You cant drink 3 bottles of an admittedly excellent red then expect to perform well on the cricket pitch with bat in hand the next morning. YOU also forget important shit like the ball protector (you DONT forget it twice though).
I learnt also that 13 blokes (first 11 n 2 reserves) can catch cricket balls like DEMONS anytime except when a young lass with big tits is wandering by. Then we look like the least coordinated idiots on the planet. Hard to watch the ball while watching the bouncing .... nm
I learnt that radio stations ARE a load of fun. I learnt exactly What a certain young lady ringing up to request 'The Combine Harvester Song' meant for her social life. Crucial crucial stuff.
Heh
Yeah
There ya go KA you know who you are
N Rocky?
mate...Youre STILL a very unattractive man.
I know I watch tOO much TV
But someone at channel ten (home of Dont bother I mean Big Brother) needs to learn that scheduling means stuff runs on time etc.
Not Like Don't Bother.
Yes indeedy it went 35 minutes over time last night
Prats
Its the same every damned day with that shite.
Its boring
Its beyond juvenile
Its on every day. LEAVE US ALONE.
Christ dont you lot GET that theres more than the 14 to stupidarse 20yo demographic?
Nice to see channel ten capering to the blithering idiot section of the community i suppose. But I thought thats what Play school was for.
It isnt even like the people in the house are interesting.
No
they are dead set boring as watching paint dry. There has been FIVE series now n each has been the same. I have to suffer the adverts for it n they are enough to curdle my cheese with boredom.
It is a concept that , like The Weakest Link, has had its time n should be put out to pasture.
If you like the show DONT bother commenting See the title of the blog as in this case it is my position.
But someone at channel ten (home of Dont bother I mean Big Brother) needs to learn that scheduling means stuff runs on time etc.
Not Like Don't Bother.
Yes indeedy it went 35 minutes over time last night
Prats
Its the same every damned day with that shite.
Its boring
Its beyond juvenile
Its on every day. LEAVE US ALONE.
Christ dont you lot GET that theres more than the 14 to stupidarse 20yo demographic?
Nice to see channel ten capering to the blithering idiot section of the community i suppose. But I thought thats what Play school was for.
It isnt even like the people in the house are interesting.
No
they are dead set boring as watching paint dry. There has been FIVE series now n each has been the same. I have to suffer the adverts for it n they are enough to curdle my cheese with boredom.
It is a concept that , like The Weakest Link, has had its time n should be put out to pasture.
If you like the show DONT bother commenting See the title of the blog as in this case it is my position.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
people who tinker with ya pipes
sit down all you people with rude minds
Im talking about plumbers.
We just had our 2 (two - count em) blocked toilets unblocked. Led me to wonder what sort of woman marries a plumber?
I mean he was a nice bloke, talkative, n seemed reasonably intelligent (bearing in mind he IS Australian and male *panders to the chicks stereotyping*).
But what woman could let a bloke whos hands have been elbow deep in shit fer 10 hours a day even THINK about touching her? It struck me that even if you supervised him showering n washing n scrubbing it would STILL make ya skin crawl wouldnt it?
OR would their no doubt impressive incomes compensate?
What drives a man to crawl round in other peoples shit all day?
I get the one who installs new piping in housing developments - I mean derr youre not fiddling in poo all day are you. Its just like playing with your Meccano set when a kid. Cept you get to drive a Ute n carry real tools *ugh ugh ugh*
Dont get me wrong I appreciate his timely arrival (we had just returned from a Maccas run to use their 'facilities') n his work seems to have had the desired effect but I reckon socially his only nights out would be with other plumbers.
And a curse unto the 5th generation to the idiots who lived here b4 who stuffed crap down the inside toilet.
Im talking about plumbers.
We just had our 2 (two - count em) blocked toilets unblocked. Led me to wonder what sort of woman marries a plumber?
I mean he was a nice bloke, talkative, n seemed reasonably intelligent (bearing in mind he IS Australian and male *panders to the chicks stereotyping*).
But what woman could let a bloke whos hands have been elbow deep in shit fer 10 hours a day even THINK about touching her? It struck me that even if you supervised him showering n washing n scrubbing it would STILL make ya skin crawl wouldnt it?
OR would their no doubt impressive incomes compensate?
What drives a man to crawl round in other peoples shit all day?
I get the one who installs new piping in housing developments - I mean derr youre not fiddling in poo all day are you. Its just like playing with your Meccano set when a kid. Cept you get to drive a Ute n carry real tools *ugh ugh ugh*
Dont get me wrong I appreciate his timely arrival (we had just returned from a Maccas run to use their 'facilities') n his work seems to have had the desired effect but I reckon socially his only nights out would be with other plumbers.
And a curse unto the 5th generation to the idiots who lived here b4 who stuffed crap down the inside toilet.
oh yeah B4 I forget: Stupid Advert Of The Week
Ima TRY to make this a weekly occurence...
So Pantene (hair shampoo people in case its not available where all 3 of my readers are from) have various adverts on TV telling people how shit hot their products are.
No problem there.
Its the advert they show with the microwriting that says 'product not available in Australia' that gobbsmacks me.
What?
So Pantene you decided to waste 30 seconds of the nations' time and YOUR money (that you OBVIOUSLY make too much of) showing a commercial for a product WE -CANT - BUY here?
If I may indulge n ask the BLEEDING obvious...
WHY?
What earthly use is it advertising a product that you then label 'product not available in Australia'.
Can someone from Pantene even ATTEMPT to explain that to me? It will have to be in sentences of words with less than 3 syllabels though as I suspect the moron who let that go ahead doesnt know any bigger words.
Oh yeah they would likely say 'oh we are trying to create a market' pfft
Your boss n his/her boss might just be dickheads, but some of us out here in 'real world' arent.
Whoever you are who approved that commercial you are taking money under false pretense.
n yes 'product not available in Australia' may be a paraphrasis - I was too stunned to recall the exact wording. I captured the essence exactly however. The rank stupidity.. the stunning illogicality.
So Pantene (hair shampoo people in case its not available where all 3 of my readers are from) have various adverts on TV telling people how shit hot their products are.
No problem there.
Its the advert they show with the microwriting that says 'product not available in Australia' that gobbsmacks me.
What?
So Pantene you decided to waste 30 seconds of the nations' time and YOUR money (that you OBVIOUSLY make too much of) showing a commercial for a product WE -CANT - BUY here?
If I may indulge n ask the BLEEDING obvious...
WHY?
What earthly use is it advertising a product that you then label 'product not available in Australia'.
Can someone from Pantene even ATTEMPT to explain that to me? It will have to be in sentences of words with less than 3 syllabels though as I suspect the moron who let that go ahead doesnt know any bigger words.
Oh yeah they would likely say 'oh we are trying to create a market' pfft
Your boss n his/her boss might just be dickheads, but some of us out here in 'real world' arent.
Whoever you are who approved that commercial you are taking money under false pretense.
n yes 'product not available in Australia' may be a paraphrasis - I was too stunned to recall the exact wording. I captured the essence exactly however. The rank stupidity.. the stunning illogicality.
spam spam spam spam spammmy spammmmm (oh yeah n squash)
I love spam
No not the compressed regurgitated reconstituted pseudo-meat sold in cans staple of the people of the UK (who, as any fule kno, cannot afford real beef wot wiv mad cow syndrome etc).
I love junk email. Oh the variety! Oohhhh the endless variations on my name(s) and nick(s).
They sometimes appear confused though.
Today in amongst the 'increase your penis length' (listeninggggg) 'increase your penis girth' (nothing wrong THERE mate - short n fats where its at), 'making for the increase in sperm' (dunno but i think more load?), 'make your manhood to be hard like rock' etc.
There seems a general trend in my spam mail that leads me to suspect the activities of one or more ex girlfriends, or the exwife.
Then I receive 'satisfy all your womens'.
huh?
whattha? they know something *I* dont?
I cant satisfy ONE but now I'm sposed to satisfy 'womens' ??? No wonder we poor blokes are confused these days. dud to stud in one email. Strange world we live in.
WHO are these 'womens'? Theres more than ONE nut in Bathurst? Strike me pink Ida thought I would have noticed more than ONE wimmins hanging round (ok ok it appears I have a gym stalker but she doesnt count she never even TALKS to me). Its all muchly puzzling.
On to squash.
Now its not like I play squash much - Ive been known to have the odd game or two. In fact (I hear some smartipants remind me) when contemporaries gather (as is their wont) n the discussion turrns to 80s tv shows I sit n stare blankly for the most part. Didnt you see it craig? Surely you remember *fill in here*? errr nope n nope n nope. I misspent my misspent youth at the local squash courts. When I wasnt actually playing I was 'admiring' the girls in the aerobix classes if not actually joining in as I did sometimes.
Anyhoo
Last night I went to squash expecting to lose. This confident, bushido attitude (you know - samurai always assume they are about to get topped) allowed me to inflict a stunning victory. Yes indeedy I was gobbsmacked. I won. I looked around for the candid camera. I waited for the belated April Fools tag followed by 'now we play for real' (in Ranier Wolfcastles voice n yes when you quote the cartoon version of the original you KNOW you watch too much Simpsons). Well I was so chuffed I even took on the Central Wests' number one player as my teams number one didnt show (snowed in). And i got more than one point! several in fact (n yes MORE than 3). God it hurts today though. what hurts? you ask? EVERYTHING heh.Its a good pain assauged by 30mg of codeine...mmmmmmm codeine *drool*.
So strike a blow fer short fat slow middleaged blokes with a michelin round the middle!!! heh theres life in the old dog yet WOOF. *wags tail happily*.
No not the compressed regurgitated reconstituted pseudo-meat sold in cans staple of the people of the UK (who, as any fule kno, cannot afford real beef wot wiv mad cow syndrome etc).
I love junk email. Oh the variety! Oohhhh the endless variations on my name(s) and nick(s).
They sometimes appear confused though.
Today in amongst the 'increase your penis length' (listeninggggg) 'increase your penis girth' (nothing wrong THERE mate - short n fats where its at), 'making for the increase in sperm' (dunno but i think more load?), 'make your manhood to be hard like rock' etc.
There seems a general trend in my spam mail that leads me to suspect the activities of one or more ex girlfriends, or the exwife.
Then I receive 'satisfy all your womens'.
huh?
whattha? they know something *I* dont?
I cant satisfy ONE but now I'm sposed to satisfy 'womens' ??? No wonder we poor blokes are confused these days. dud to stud in one email. Strange world we live in.
WHO are these 'womens'? Theres more than ONE nut in Bathurst? Strike me pink Ida thought I would have noticed more than ONE wimmins hanging round (ok ok it appears I have a gym stalker but she doesnt count she never even TALKS to me). Its all muchly puzzling.
On to squash.
Now its not like I play squash much - Ive been known to have the odd game or two. In fact (I hear some smartipants remind me) when contemporaries gather (as is their wont) n the discussion turrns to 80s tv shows I sit n stare blankly for the most part. Didnt you see it craig? Surely you remember *fill in here*? errr nope n nope n nope. I misspent my misspent youth at the local squash courts. When I wasnt actually playing I was 'admiring' the girls in the aerobix classes if not actually joining in as I did sometimes.
Anyhoo
Last night I went to squash expecting to lose. This confident, bushido attitude (you know - samurai always assume they are about to get topped) allowed me to inflict a stunning victory. Yes indeedy I was gobbsmacked. I won. I looked around for the candid camera. I waited for the belated April Fools tag followed by 'now we play for real' (in Ranier Wolfcastles voice n yes when you quote the cartoon version of the original you KNOW you watch too much Simpsons). Well I was so chuffed I even took on the Central Wests' number one player as my teams number one didnt show (snowed in). And i got more than one point! several in fact (n yes MORE than 3). God it hurts today though. what hurts? you ask? EVERYTHING heh.Its a good pain assauged by 30mg of codeine...mmmmmmm codeine *drool*.
So strike a blow fer short fat slow middleaged blokes with a michelin round the middle!!! heh theres life in the old dog yet WOOF. *wags tail happily*.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Victorinox *sigh* I love you
The world is a better place for having Victorinox. And I suppose to a lesser (in Australia at least) extent, Wenger.
If you live under a rock (or are somewhat United Statesian - I preserve 'American' for ALL inhabitants of that continent)then you won't know they are the makers of Swiss Army Knives.
And
yes
they DOOOOOOOOOO MAKE CAN OPENERS!!!!
Joy of joys
Now I have to establish locatory information for the exchange of money for goods.
If you live under a rock (or are somewhat United Statesian - I preserve 'American' for ALL inhabitants of that continent)then you won't know they are the makers of Swiss Army Knives.
And
yes
they DOOOOOOOOOO MAKE CAN OPENERS!!!!
Joy of joys
Now I have to establish locatory information for the exchange of money for goods.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
can openers - helpful tool in the kitchen or sent from the devil to plague us?
I
hate
can openers.
Possibly even more than I hate the 'twittering budgie' or 'She Who Must Be In Everything' on tv.
Firstly I am left handed. Yeah pfft instant spassism with the cursed tool (herein referred to as CT).
Secondly they seem to manufacture the little knirled wheely thingo n the round bladey widgit out of metal even softer than a tin can. This is my main annoyance I suppose. Ive learnt to use CTs right handed over time.
It seems good to me that if one were to say one day 'darling I think I shall indeed proceed to my factory today for the purpose of constructing a 'can opening device of ease and utility' for the betterment of mankind!' then you would decide to DO IT PROPERLY.
PROPERLY:
Mongooses' Dictionary of Useful Terms defines 'properly' as: Opposite of crappily. Being able to fulfil purpose of intended function. 'right'. It is a rich tapestry.
So a CT should, one is entitled to think, OPEN CANS. Yes. Not too difficult that you might say.
So how come every single CT I have EVER owned goes tits up (for all practical purpose - you can soldier on with them fer months getting the shits daily) within 3-6 weeks?
You buy those oldy fashiony cheapo ones with cratacular silver frost paint n they last 3 days before the tine thing that does the cutting bends. You watch in rapt fascination as the bent tine thingy slowly, majestically straigtens out thus rendering the CT useless for anything other than throwing at those damned teenagers outside kicking up a racket. These I reserve for camping trips. They generally last 3-5 days tops so good enough for camping unless you get lost n spend a month wandering about saying 'hello trees hello flowers' n if you DO end up lost if you DONT have a SWiss Army Knife you deserve to be found bereft of life.
Then theres the multitutinous 'fancy' CTs. Bastards. At least the cheap ones don't jerk you off into thinking they are any good. These are the ones that wear the lil knirled wheely thingamajig. So you can't get the can to rotate hence creating a cutting action. Well
DERRRRRRRRRRRr
heres a tip morons
make the lil knirled wheely thing outa GOOD steel You know HIGH grade. Not the left over aluminium (I'll be cold n dead in my grave b4 you see me use that horrid americanism 'alooooominum' sounds like a bathroom product) you had when you stripped some WW2 aircraft. It shouldnt be a'bit' stronger than the damn can it should be like the difference between PeeWee Herman N Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ones piss weak n one could snap the other in twain without breaking a sweat. In this fashio CTs would last more than a month.
See
dickhead manufacturers/designers
It isnt the perty knobs n twirly ancilliary bits that make me wanna buy one its the DAMNABLE CUTTING ACTION. A pretty Edsel is STILL an Edsel guys. If It dont werk it aint worth a tissue at a snot party.
If the swiss army knife people made one I think Id buy that. Least Id knowit A works n B can call up rescue doggies n make me breakfast while I am lost.
hate
can openers.
Possibly even more than I hate the 'twittering budgie' or 'She Who Must Be In Everything' on tv.
Firstly I am left handed. Yeah pfft instant spassism with the cursed tool (herein referred to as CT).
Secondly they seem to manufacture the little knirled wheely thingo n the round bladey widgit out of metal even softer than a tin can. This is my main annoyance I suppose. Ive learnt to use CTs right handed over time.
It seems good to me that if one were to say one day 'darling I think I shall indeed proceed to my factory today for the purpose of constructing a 'can opening device of ease and utility' for the betterment of mankind!' then you would decide to DO IT PROPERLY.
PROPERLY:
Mongooses' Dictionary of Useful Terms defines 'properly' as: Opposite of crappily. Being able to fulfil purpose of intended function. 'right'. It is a rich tapestry.
So a CT should, one is entitled to think, OPEN CANS. Yes. Not too difficult that you might say.
So how come every single CT I have EVER owned goes tits up (for all practical purpose - you can soldier on with them fer months getting the shits daily) within 3-6 weeks?
You buy those oldy fashiony cheapo ones with cratacular silver frost paint n they last 3 days before the tine thing that does the cutting bends. You watch in rapt fascination as the bent tine thingy slowly, majestically straigtens out thus rendering the CT useless for anything other than throwing at those damned teenagers outside kicking up a racket. These I reserve for camping trips. They generally last 3-5 days tops so good enough for camping unless you get lost n spend a month wandering about saying 'hello trees hello flowers' n if you DO end up lost if you DONT have a SWiss Army Knife you deserve to be found bereft of life.
Then theres the multitutinous 'fancy' CTs. Bastards. At least the cheap ones don't jerk you off into thinking they are any good. These are the ones that wear the lil knirled wheely thingamajig. So you can't get the can to rotate hence creating a cutting action. Well
DERRRRRRRRRRRr
heres a tip morons
make the lil knirled wheely thing outa GOOD steel You know HIGH grade. Not the left over aluminium (I'll be cold n dead in my grave b4 you see me use that horrid americanism 'alooooominum' sounds like a bathroom product) you had when you stripped some WW2 aircraft. It shouldnt be a'bit' stronger than the damn can it should be like the difference between PeeWee Herman N Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ones piss weak n one could snap the other in twain without breaking a sweat. In this fashio CTs would last more than a month.
See
dickhead manufacturers/designers
It isnt the perty knobs n twirly ancilliary bits that make me wanna buy one its the DAMNABLE CUTTING ACTION. A pretty Edsel is STILL an Edsel guys. If It dont werk it aint worth a tissue at a snot party.
If the swiss army knife people made one I think Id buy that. Least Id knowit A works n B can call up rescue doggies n make me breakfast while I am lost.
a snip off the ole scissorblog
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
They exist!!!
Curses CURSES CURSES!!!!
'good scissors'
So my folks came up to visit yesterday eh.
So mum wanted to go see this whachamacallit shop... gifts n expensive crap n 'wares' (no not illegal software etc stuff made outa pottery youd be disappointed if Kassis' K came home from school with having made it in craft).
So I'm wandering about listlessly (I think that involves flopping creatively from side to side in an attempt to subtley convey exactly how bored you really are)when I saw them...
The rack of what women would undoubtedly, with no hesitation, call 'good scissors'.
$24 for NAIL scissors? You know.. those annoying litle ones MEN can't seem to get their big clumsy fingers through even if sex is on offer. I daringly asked if they were titanium plated with 36 carat gold.
Anyway I was appalled.
N apetered.
Can't buy a f*** can opener that works for more than a week n doesn't make left handers feel totally spastic. Noooooo. Can buy $24 nail scissors. With ease.
They exist!!!
Curses CURSES CURSES!!!!
'good scissors'
So my folks came up to visit yesterday eh.
So mum wanted to go see this whachamacallit shop... gifts n expensive crap n 'wares' (no not illegal software etc stuff made outa pottery youd be disappointed if Kassis' K came home from school with having made it in craft).
So I'm wandering about listlessly (I think that involves flopping creatively from side to side in an attempt to subtley convey exactly how bored you really are)when I saw them...
The rack of what women would undoubtedly, with no hesitation, call 'good scissors'.
$24 for NAIL scissors? You know.. those annoying litle ones MEN can't seem to get their big clumsy fingers through even if sex is on offer. I daringly asked if they were titanium plated with 36 carat gold.
Anyway I was appalled.
N apetered.
Can't buy a f*** can opener that works for more than a week n doesn't make left handers feel totally spastic. Noooooo. Can buy $24 nail scissors. With ease.
Friday, June 17, 2005
The Good Scissors (with thanks to AP)
You can blame The Accidental Poet for this... she who hates to clean but loves to lose poor innocent cutting devices...
What is it with women and 'good scissors'??
Here I was thinking it was only my slightly deranged mother who had 'good' scissors.
They're tools. Use em. Sharpen em when they need it. Throw them away when they stop working as per design. Remember to carry them blade down etc.
It isn't like you've spent the GNP of somewhere like New Zealand (whats that Kassi? it's only about $1.50??) on buying them, is it? Nope.
Theyre not platinum, sodium filled (for cooling in case you go on a material/paper/cardboard cutting FRENZY) with diamond-tipped-edges-for-permanent-sharpness (buy now and we will send you not 1 not 5 but 9 yes NINE perfectly useless other items we have not made up names or uses for yet!!).
They are shaped lumps of mild steel, generally cast (as distinct from forged), cost a couple of bucks anywhere on the planet.
I mean ... if they WERE forged, WERE high grade steel or (*sigh n say it slowly rolling it around your mouth*) tiiitaniuuuummmmm (titanium), WERE lemme see $50-150 per item then yes 'the good scissors' would be almost an appelation controlle. Indeedlidoodly you may even go so far as to say 'the GREAT scissors' and advertise them as 'the scissors the US Military pays $600 per unit for!! YOURS for just $29.95 (think/hear it through in Doctor nicks voice from the Simpsons).
Alas, like most tools these days, the scissors most of can buy aren't even worth a Tim the toolman grunt toolwise.
We buy em in packs of a dozen with the soft grips (for comfort) and if one has the temerity to go missing? Well who cares. The other 11 are all just as sharp and easy to use. Willing too - perhaps, though Ive never discussed motivation with a pair of scissors. How much motivation do they have to be 'the good scissors' when they know their fate is to be lost? Cast aside in the knitting bag when they long long nay CRAVE life in the sewing bag?
What is it with women and 'good scissors'??
Here I was thinking it was only my slightly deranged mother who had 'good' scissors.
They're tools. Use em. Sharpen em when they need it. Throw them away when they stop working as per design. Remember to carry them blade down etc.
It isn't like you've spent the GNP of somewhere like New Zealand (whats that Kassi? it's only about $1.50??) on buying them, is it? Nope.
Theyre not platinum, sodium filled (for cooling in case you go on a material/paper/cardboard cutting FRENZY) with diamond-tipped-edges-for-permanent-sharpness (buy now and we will send you not 1 not 5 but 9 yes NINE perfectly useless other items we have not made up names or uses for yet!!).
They are shaped lumps of mild steel, generally cast (as distinct from forged), cost a couple of bucks anywhere on the planet.
I mean ... if they WERE forged, WERE high grade steel or (*sigh n say it slowly rolling it around your mouth*) tiiitaniuuuummmmm (titanium), WERE lemme see $50-150 per item then yes 'the good scissors' would be almost an appelation controlle. Indeedlidoodly you may even go so far as to say 'the GREAT scissors' and advertise them as 'the scissors the US Military pays $600 per unit for!! YOURS for just $29.95 (think/hear it through in Doctor nicks voice from the Simpsons).
Alas, like most tools these days, the scissors most of can buy aren't even worth a Tim the toolman grunt toolwise.
We buy em in packs of a dozen with the soft grips (for comfort) and if one has the temerity to go missing? Well who cares. The other 11 are all just as sharp and easy to use. Willing too - perhaps, though Ive never discussed motivation with a pair of scissors. How much motivation do they have to be 'the good scissors' when they know their fate is to be lost? Cast aside in the knitting bag when they long long nay CRAVE life in the sewing bag?
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Credit Card Specials
This is really about banks not just credit cards...
I think it is loathsome how they offer grandiose specials to NEW customers.
I mean
What have they DONE to deserve such largess?
I'll tell you!!
Proven theyre credit/servfice whores. Change banks and/or credit providers whenever something better comes along.
Do any banks/credit providers reward long time customers?
Yes indeed if youre a farmer!!
They take your farm
Some reward.
They should set up rewards for customers based on length of customership.
N for you marketing geniuses that doesn't mean increasing fees for every year of loyalty.
I think it needs to be turned around. No rewards for changing. No rewards just for new customers. If an institution is going to offer some incentive it should be available to ALL their customers ESPECIALLY the ones who are indeed actually paying for it!
I think it is loathsome how they offer grandiose specials to NEW customers.
I mean
What have they DONE to deserve such largess?
I'll tell you!!
Proven theyre credit/servfice whores. Change banks and/or credit providers whenever something better comes along.
Do any banks/credit providers reward long time customers?
Yes indeed if youre a farmer!!
They take your farm
Some reward.
They should set up rewards for customers based on length of customership.
N for you marketing geniuses that doesn't mean increasing fees for every year of loyalty.
I think it needs to be turned around. No rewards for changing. No rewards just for new customers. If an institution is going to offer some incentive it should be available to ALL their customers ESPECIALLY the ones who are indeed actually paying for it!
Monday, June 13, 2005
They did it again
They showed it again...
Last night
after midnight
AFTER putting some poxridden movie on instead of the scheduled programme.
open letter to channel seven:
fuck off with last man standing ok..
I am now NOT ever going to watch another FRIGGIN episode. I dont care it was vaguely entertaining. I dont care theres nought all else on that time on a monday...
THREE times in ONE week for the same damn show???
I wish your lot showed that moronic Big Brother and those moronic singing shows. Cuz then given you have that twittering budgerigar Bruce Macavaney n that 'I need to be in everything' pain in the butt Joanna Griggs I would have NO reason ever to watch your stupid channel
cept for Stargate. But you'll probably have a new version of it voiced over by the twittering budgerigar n 'introduced' by 'I need to be in everything' pain in the butt...
just to piss me off eh
Last night
after midnight
AFTER putting some poxridden movie on instead of the scheduled programme.
open letter to channel seven:
fuck off with last man standing ok..
I am now NOT ever going to watch another FRIGGIN episode. I dont care it was vaguely entertaining. I dont care theres nought all else on that time on a monday...
THREE times in ONE week for the same damn show???
I wish your lot showed that moronic Big Brother and those moronic singing shows. Cuz then given you have that twittering budgerigar Bruce Macavaney n that 'I need to be in everything' pain in the butt Joanna Griggs I would have NO reason ever to watch your stupid channel
cept for Stargate. But you'll probably have a new version of it voiced over by the twittering budgerigar n 'introduced' by 'I need to be in everything' pain in the butt...
just to piss me off eh
Sunday, June 12, 2005
TV Adverts
Would it be too hard for the morons who write, direct and star in TV adverts to make the occasional one that looks like they actually THOUGHT about what they were trying to achieve?
There is a beer advert on Australian TV these days that suggests that, if you drink their beer, you'll turn into an unreliable moron who does anything you are tasked with totally half arsed just so you can get back to your beer. Drink Carlton midstrength in other words, if you're a totally sad alcoholic. I know they are trying to suggest the beer is that good you will want to hurry back to it. But instead they've portrayed their customers as unreliable idiots.
Contrast Tooheys... Their adverts suggest their customers are intelligent, lateral thinking and generally entertaining people it is fun to be around. Except that frighteningly gross Tooheys Dry advert with the tongue crawling over the road to get a beer. Who thought that disgusting ad up? Should be fired.
Then there was the lolly/candy ad with the attractive young blonde telling us it tasted like an orgasm in her mouth.
yes indeed....
So we now know she either spits or swallows eh...
I know I wasn't in a hurry to try semen flavoured candy. I did the company the signal service of writing to them to point out that indeed, EVERY person I had asked about it thought 'yuck cum flavoured candy' as this was what the advert ACTUALLY said - only to get a rather abusive letter telling me *I* was the idiot. Far enough. That candy is no longer on the market. I told em... Then I wrote n told them 'suffer in ya jocks ya bastards' when they went tits up.
Pays to listen to your customers eh.
Mazda has one at the moment. Couple walk in to a dealership. ASk for a test drive. Girl shrugs n points to the showroom floor... no cars left.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BUY A MAZDA!!!!
not
What happens is you walk out, cross the road (and if youre me -personal preference) then enter the Renault or Peugeot dealer to buy one of THEIR cars.
My father always said 'never tell people you have heaps of stock - they will wonder whats wrong with the product. Never say you have none left either - they will think one of two things A: you are doing so well you wont need our business. So they go somewhere else; or B: well they've sold out so theres no point thinking about that product; and they go somewhere else.'
You should give the impression you've got 2 or 3 left. And always ask for a second colour choice. Just in case all the candy apple red cars have been sold (its a popular choice ya know).
I think some of these ads, theyre sitting around a table laughing at the idiot who has put the idea forward and somehow it ends up getting made.
Or they are thought up by uni grads with 6 degrees and 4 up their arses who have never had to 'sell' something - just 'market' it.
The gurl gets annoyed when I throw stuff at the tv if there is a dumb advert on.
What really gets up my tits is that there is no way in the world I could ever get a job in that industry - but I know what a crappy insulting ad looks like when I see it.
I think I need to go play squash - luckily the regular victim rang earlier to ask for a beating.
adios
There is a beer advert on Australian TV these days that suggests that, if you drink their beer, you'll turn into an unreliable moron who does anything you are tasked with totally half arsed just so you can get back to your beer. Drink Carlton midstrength in other words, if you're a totally sad alcoholic. I know they are trying to suggest the beer is that good you will want to hurry back to it. But instead they've portrayed their customers as unreliable idiots.
Contrast Tooheys... Their adverts suggest their customers are intelligent, lateral thinking and generally entertaining people it is fun to be around. Except that frighteningly gross Tooheys Dry advert with the tongue crawling over the road to get a beer. Who thought that disgusting ad up? Should be fired.
Then there was the lolly/candy ad with the attractive young blonde telling us it tasted like an orgasm in her mouth.
yes indeed....
So we now know she either spits or swallows eh...
I know I wasn't in a hurry to try semen flavoured candy. I did the company the signal service of writing to them to point out that indeed, EVERY person I had asked about it thought 'yuck cum flavoured candy' as this was what the advert ACTUALLY said - only to get a rather abusive letter telling me *I* was the idiot. Far enough. That candy is no longer on the market. I told em... Then I wrote n told them 'suffer in ya jocks ya bastards' when they went tits up.
Pays to listen to your customers eh.
Mazda has one at the moment. Couple walk in to a dealership. ASk for a test drive. Girl shrugs n points to the showroom floor... no cars left.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU BUY A MAZDA!!!!
not
What happens is you walk out, cross the road (and if youre me -personal preference) then enter the Renault or Peugeot dealer to buy one of THEIR cars.
My father always said 'never tell people you have heaps of stock - they will wonder whats wrong with the product. Never say you have none left either - they will think one of two things A: you are doing so well you wont need our business. So they go somewhere else; or B: well they've sold out so theres no point thinking about that product; and they go somewhere else.'
You should give the impression you've got 2 or 3 left. And always ask for a second colour choice. Just in case all the candy apple red cars have been sold (its a popular choice ya know).
I think some of these ads, theyre sitting around a table laughing at the idiot who has put the idea forward and somehow it ends up getting made.
Or they are thought up by uni grads with 6 degrees and 4 up their arses who have never had to 'sell' something - just 'market' it.
The gurl gets annoyed when I throw stuff at the tv if there is a dumb advert on.
What really gets up my tits is that there is no way in the world I could ever get a job in that industry - but I know what a crappy insulting ad looks like when I see it.
I think I need to go play squash - luckily the regular victim rang earlier to ask for a beating.
adios
Friday, June 10, 2005
Tv Gets Up My Nose
So I stayed up, right?
Watched Stargate Atlantis cuz deep down inside I have a sneaking suspicion I'm a geek. That was ok...
Looking forward in my weary head to that old 80s series "tour Of Duty'. Which programme spookily started being shown about 2 weeks after I said to the The Gurl 'Ya know what I wish they would put on?It has never been repeated here (in Australia)? T.O.D. (obviously I didn't initialise it or she would have given me that slightly puzzled 'I KNOW you're dribbling shit but I'ma nod n smile like I understand' look)!!
Two weeks later guess what is on TV again? Which leads me to 'Mongooses' Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory' (another blog sometime soon).
So anyhoooo... Every thursday I wait until 2330 hrs to watch TOD. Cept LAST night they put an 'encore' showing of 'Last Man Standing' on.
Now I watched LMS on the Monday it premiered at 22130hrs. I wonder why the HELL they think if someone couldnt be ARSED waiting up until 10:30 at night to watch it on Monday they would sit up til 11:30 to watch it on THURSDAY with only a 15 second 'coming up next' advert 5 minutes before?
Did anyone even KNOW it was on before that advert?
Was it worth pissing off everyone who stayed up to watch TOD??
If they hadda advertised it a couple of times EARLIER in the evening maybe Ida gone to bed at 11:30 not so cranky.
I need a life
I know
I think I need a game of squash.
Watched Stargate Atlantis cuz deep down inside I have a sneaking suspicion I'm a geek. That was ok...
Looking forward in my weary head to that old 80s series "tour Of Duty'. Which programme spookily started being shown about 2 weeks after I said to the The Gurl 'Ya know what I wish they would put on?It has never been repeated here (in Australia)? T.O.D. (obviously I didn't initialise it or she would have given me that slightly puzzled 'I KNOW you're dribbling shit but I'ma nod n smile like I understand' look)!!
Two weeks later guess what is on TV again? Which leads me to 'Mongooses' Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory' (another blog sometime soon).
So anyhoooo... Every thursday I wait until 2330 hrs to watch TOD. Cept LAST night they put an 'encore' showing of 'Last Man Standing' on.
Now I watched LMS on the Monday it premiered at 22130hrs. I wonder why the HELL they think if someone couldnt be ARSED waiting up until 10:30 at night to watch it on Monday they would sit up til 11:30 to watch it on THURSDAY with only a 15 second 'coming up next' advert 5 minutes before?
Did anyone even KNOW it was on before that advert?
Was it worth pissing off everyone who stayed up to watch TOD??
If they hadda advertised it a couple of times EARLIER in the evening maybe Ida gone to bed at 11:30 not so cranky.
I need a life
I know
I think I need a game of squash.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
first contact
HAH
That'll suck the Star Trek nerds in won't it...
Hello welcome to my corner of the universe. As with all these I am going to express opinions and feelings. If you don't like it you have 2 (two) options:
Suck it up
comment
enjoy.
That'll suck the Star Trek nerds in won't it...
Hello welcome to my corner of the universe. As with all these I am going to express opinions and feelings. If you don't like it you have 2 (two) options:
Suck it up
comment
enjoy.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
How Things Transpire
You can blame my friend Kassi fo this. Actually I think you should blame the accidental poet... yes it is indeed all your fault - you got kassi started, she got me started.
I don't understand what the women of the world complain about with housework.
My partner has been gone for 2 weeks now and the house only looks like a smallish bomb went off.
Hella easy this washing clothes and vacuuming - leaves time for them to muse about 'fulfilling themselves' or wishing they had more 'me' time. Whatever.
So go do it I say.
Leaves me lots of time to play squash. Not that I do that much.
Oh joy we are about 2 weeks into another intallation of that blight on TV 'Big Brother'. There goes ONE commercial channel for at least 4 months. Thank god for the Simpsons. Hands up if you loath BB like I do? If i wanna watch people in a HOUSE I will look up from damn computer occasionally.
I don't understand what the women of the world complain about with housework.
My partner has been gone for 2 weeks now and the house only looks like a smallish bomb went off.
Hella easy this washing clothes and vacuuming - leaves time for them to muse about 'fulfilling themselves' or wishing they had more 'me' time. Whatever.
So go do it I say.
Leaves me lots of time to play squash. Not that I do that much.
Oh joy we are about 2 weeks into another intallation of that blight on TV 'Big Brother'. There goes ONE commercial channel for at least 4 months. Thank god for the Simpsons. Hands up if you loath BB like I do? If i wanna watch people in a HOUSE I will look up from damn computer occasionally.
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